What is my worth?
As I turn 30 next year, I wanted to put a decent closure to my 20s. So this year, I am working on a small pet project to reflect on the journals I have written since 2009 and distill my values and beliefs from them. What I found truly mysterious and fascinating is that since my mind is attuned to these topics, I notice more signs and clues lying around me in the form of books, newsletters, and voice of friends.
It happened again this weekend when I was talking to one of my good old friends, Dahee. Recently, she left her exciting yet stressful job in Seoul and moved to Indonesia. There she has started her own business in the domain of culture. She is one of those friends with whom you can immediately restore the connection you had in the past and talk about anything no matter where you are.
Dahee is an anthropologist leading a life following her interests in art and culture around the world. I have always been curious about what she sees, listens to, and thinks whenever she settles down in a new place. When she recommended me to check out a Youtuber that I might also like, I suggested she open a Youtube channel and start a vlog, expressing my eagerness to know what it is like for her to live in Indonesia.
Yet, her answer was a hard no. She said:
I really consciously try to not put myself on social media too much because I already conflate my sense of self with being productive, “succesful”.
When I asked why she would like to separate the two, her answer followed:
I really want to separate it because I’m trying (emphasis on trying lmao) to find myself worthy regardless of circumstances. Even with work in general, the framework of capitalist society one’s value is tied to what they produce. I just want to at least somewhat detach myself from such dogmatic thinking…
While I was thinking ‘shit! I love her!’, a question arose within me:
What is my worth?
I immediately posed the question to her. I also shared my belief that every being in this world is worthy of love, respect, and dignity. Then, interestingly, she replied that:
“I do believe we should treat all living beings (including humans lol) with respect. But, a lot of philosophical stuff I see online goes into that everyone is worthy because everyone is beautiful and special and blah blah blah…”
I was intrigued. Because, regardless of the belief, I could relate to her feeling. When I see such a message online, somehow, I feel they are phony, if not corny. Deep inside, I recognize there is a tiny voice saying “Urgh. Cliché.”
After the conversation with her, I decided to dive deeper into this contradictory feeling toward the idea that everyone is unique and precious as they are. I have no doubt that I believe so. But then, why do I react to those posts online with a subtle sense of discomfort at the same time?
One of the reasons I could think of is that I feel they are pretentious. That is because, as Dahee suggested, at work where we spend most of our day, one’s worth is often defined by the quality and amount of output we produce. The utility I bring in and create for the company is the ultimate metric for my value. Of course, a person can bring authentic care for people and the environment into the organization. It’s just, in the capitalistic system, these qualities are either treated as ‘irrelevant’ or translated into ‘soft skills’. Even if the employer takes ‘soft skills’ into consideration, the logic seems to remain the same in the end. It’s calculated. A person’s worth is determined by what she or he produces.
If this logic of utility is only applicable at work, I wonder, how much are we free from it outside work setting? To speak for myself, I am not sure. Even though it is not necessary, I tent to check how much time I spend on Youtube or Netflix both on weekdays and weekends. I try to ‘save my time spent on cleaning or doing laundry’ for something ‘more valuable such as reading or writing’.
I am not saying that there is something wrong with these approaches. I just recognize that there is this deep-seated notion of time as an asset and the logic of utility penetrated in my habitual thinking, feeling, and behavior. Unless I consciously cultivate the time and space free from the capitalistic logic and mindset, it is very tempting to stay with what the system believes in.
In this sense, the idea that no matter what you do today, you are worthy of loving doesn’t quite match with what I experience directly or indirectly in my daily life. Where do I even get to practice the idea actively? The only place I can think of is the yoga studio where I sometimes volunteer once a week for only 4 hours. And that sounds insufficient. Then, what? Should I quit my job and reinvent my life? That could be one way. But, fundamentally, how am I going to reconcile the notion of self that is on the one hand continuously evaluated & evaluating and on the other hand is rejecting the notion of calculation, while I am just ‘one’?
I am sure that answers to the question will vary by individuals. Some people will and do quit their job in order to live a life that is totally aligned with their own values. However, I know that it is not my path, at least, for now. In the meantime, in an attempt for reconciliation between the two different (or many more) inner voices, I am trying to apply the concept of self-complexity.
In Psychology, the concept of self-complexity refers to “the extent to which individuals have many different and relatively independent ways of thinking about themselves.” In other words, “having a complex self means that we have a lot of different ways of thinking about ourselves.” (Principles of Social Psychology — 1st International Edition, 2011, Dr. Charles Stangor)
If I interpreted and applied it correctly, I acknowledge that there are various ways of looking into the worthiness of a person. In a certain culture, it is determined by external recognition or achievement, which often is represented by the amount of something — money, number of awards or followers. Although I do question ‘what is then the number for?’, I let them be in my inner voice. Instead, I try to notice and act upon when such a notion of self becomes saturated in my head. I intentionally decide not to engage with it. I try to shield and manifest the idea that there is this integral layer of self, which is worthy of respect and love no matter what I do and how I do. By doing so, I diversify my various layers of self, respecting each and every one of them.
Having said it all, I do not know if it is the right way to approach the question. But, at least, as I lay out my thoughts here I feel content, not complacent or frustrated. I want to give it a try, day by day, in my daily life. And I hope one day, I do not feel discomfort with a random message I encounter online that says, no matter what you do, you are a beautiful being.
